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You're so sensitive. I am, I am a machine.
19th-Apr-2011 11:32 pmBonjour
Why do some people love to attack others? What is this obsessive need to be such a cunt? Hypocrisy at its finest.

Go die. ♥
26th-Jan-2011 12:38 pmBonjour
I am finding is progressively harder to deal with Lee being away. I am half way there which means I should be over the hard part, right?


I don't particularly want to do anything other than work or sit in bed alone. I am enjoying my time without him in some senses. It's good to know that I can be alone and I don't need him. But I'm finding it strange that I can't be with him, but I can't be with anyone else. I mean, I've never really been alone. When I'm single I always have someone. I have never had anyone go on a holiday while I have been dating them. I guess it's just kind of weird to me. I have no choice.
Because I'm getting used to him not being here, I'm worried that I am falling out of love with him - or already have. I love him so much, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Who knows .. maybe it will be different when he gets back. I might want to spend every waking moment with him. Or I might decide that I am better off without him. To be honest I miss being single. I have been going out with Luke and Mikey a lot over the past two weeks and I miss being single at a club and flirting for drinks and dancing for hours without feeling guilty about it. But at the same time I don't want to lose Lee - friend or otherwise.
In a perfect world, we could be best friends who are in love, but I could also go out and experience other things. Now that I'm working I have the money to go out all the time and spend ridiculous amounts without worrying. I have made about $1000 a week since I've started working, and I get paid monthly. In some senses that sucks, but the upside is that I get a fuckload at once. :D

.. I just wish I could go out every night and spend it on copious amounts of alcohol and not come home for days - like I used to. I kinda miss the old me. :S
10th-Jan-2011 10:55 amBonjour
I don't know how the next month is going to be okay. Lee is in Indonesia and even though he left last night, I miss him already. Saying goodbye at the airport was the hardest. I was trying so hard not to cry even though that's all I wanted to do. Then after I was finally alone, I couldn't cry at all. I kinda just .. stared into space before managing to get SOME sleep. Though that being said, I didn't get much at all. Fuck all I need is a cuddle.
Just going to have to occupy myself with work. I love my new job and I have no problems with having to use it as a distraction. The money will be amazing and with it I am going to buy Lee an LCD TV for his birthday / Valentines day / our six month anniversary, which are all relatively close.
His birthday on the eighteenth of January is being spent in Indonesia with his family, as his grandad has the same birthday. Then he gets back on the seventh of February, which is close to our anniversary on the twelfth and Valentines day on the fourteenth.
It's either a TV or we go away for a few days before he has to start work again. I think he'd rather the TV, especially after having been away for a month, I think think he'd want to get straight off the plane and then have to head to Mansfield. Lol.

Fuck I miss him. :(
21st-Dec-2010 02:45 pmBonjour
Life is awesome. I broke up with Lee today. Excuse me while I go and disappear.
13th-Dec-2010 01:44 pmBonjour
I'm sick of being the person that people go to for relationship advice. I'm sick of fixing everyone else's relationships. What gets me more though is that I can easily fix theirs, but I can't fix mine. What is so unlovable about me that I have to change? He doesn't want to change something for me, something that he knows needs changing - something that he admitted he needs to change - yet I have to change everything that makes me me.
My lip piercing is not ideal - in fact he hates it more than anything, he hates my short hair because long hair looks more feminine, and he hates my childishness when sometimes I really need to act like one to remind myself that it is okay to be a bit silly and that I haven't lost all sense of who I am, and I don't like coffee, and I don't like chilli. Why is he with me if so much of me is not ideal?
I will never let him see how I really feel, because I'm so scared. I will never love anyone like I love him. I have loved him since I can remember, and I hate not being with him. I hate the idea of it. But I know that by Christmas, I wont be with him .. and that terrifies me.

I hate being alone.
2nd-Nov-2010 10:30 amBonjour
My Narny died last night. O.O
22nd-Oct-2010 11:15 amBonjour
Ahhh loving life at the moment. :)
Lee and I had our first fight, but the making up was amazing. He hugged me and wouldn't let me go and told me he loved me so much. It was the best make up ever.
My birthday is in six days, and I'll be 21. It's scary to think that I'll be old but I love the feeling that I am going to start being more independent. Makes me feel like an adult haha.
I also might have a job in IT soon at my dads company. That would be absolutely amazing as then I can start saving up money and I can move in with Lee. :)

As soon as I get into that place, I am going to attack it hardcore - first with cleaning, and then with decorating. And then I will have an awesome job and an amazing house with my amazing boyfriend.
Oh, and I'm also going to start doing some volunteer work so I can start feeling good about myself. As selfish as that sounds, I really can't think of a better way to make myself feel better. I could do things like get my nails done or get a new hair cut/style, but this way I get to give something back. :)

Love love love.
12th-Oct-2010 04:49 pmBonjour
Lee and I made it to two months. I say 'made it' like it's some kind of personal feat or something. But to be honest it is.
I tend to fuck things up when they're going well, like looking for something to fight about when really there isn't anything to fight about at all. But today, while he has to pull a twelve hour shift and will probably be too tired to go out tonight, I am sitting here making him a present, and then I'm going to go shopping so I can cook for him so we don't have to go out. :)
Hmmm happy happy.
7th-Oct-2010 08:40 pmBonjour
Hmmm. I love him so, yet sometimes I feel so unhappy. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with him, or if I'm just unhappy in general. But either way I need to sort some shit out. :S
7th-Oct-2010 03:06 pm - Writer's Block: Open book test
Based on the books on your bookshelf, what conclusions would people draw about you?

That I live in a world of historical fact and wish I was any one of these characters other than myself. Hmmmm ..
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